Wellspring

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Weary

on February 12, 2013

I guess it’s my turn to blog.  I appreciate Elizabeth picking up all of my pregnant, nauseous slack for the last month. She’s the best.

Elizabeth often likes to talk about our different “voices” that show through our blog writing. Hers is very light-hearted and takes a fun look at the lessons God is teaching her through the life that happens around her each day. My blogging tends to be a little more serious or introspective.  It’s often just the way I observe how God is teaching me, and I hope that you all don’t mind listening for a minute. If it’s a downer, don’t worry, Elizabeth will be back on the next one. 🙂

So. Here is where I am right now. I will be 11 weeks pregnant on Thursday. As you all pretty much know, in 2008 before I had Sadie, Paul and I experienced two miscarriages.  I always feel now that if I were doing one of those “draw out a timeline with significant moments in your life on it”, that 2008 would be one of those dots that would be bold and black. It would be a way of saying “Life for Amy changed significantly after this.  The way she related to God changed. The way she felt inside changed. She will be….forever….different.” Ominous? Maybe. But true.

In completely, transparent honesty, 2008 was when my soul became tired. When, for the first time, I had trouble truly believing that God wanted the best for my life. I never, through any of this process, doubted that God loved me, or that He is great, or good, or kind, or any of those wonderful attributes that make Him holy.  Really, I never doubted those things, or stopped believing they were true of Him.  But it became very easy to doubt those things as they related to me.  The way I pray is different now.  The way I approach His Word is different now. My soul became weary at that time.

As I trudge my way through this first trimester, I pray every day that God will help me to trust Him. Some days, it’s the only prayer I know how to pray. I want to trust that this baby is growing inside of me, even when I cannot feel anything yet (except nausea). I want to believe that, come late August or early September, I will hold a newborn baby in my arms. But most of all, as hard as these words are to utter, I want personal holiness, even when I don’t know what God may use in my life to get me there. I have so many scriptures hidden in my heart. They are there, I know them….let not my heart be troubled….be strong and courageous…He is the God who sees me…..do not be anxious for anything….lean not on my own understanding….His yoke is easy and His burden is light….He is the God who does wonders.  These scriptures have not left me through any of this, yet the worry is so familiar to me now. The weariness is always there.

This morning, as I was getting ready in the bathroom, I heard this song by JJ Heller called “Have Mercy on Me.” And had I not been applying eye makeup at that very moment, I would have cried.  The words were so real to me.  They made so much sense.

Friend, I don’t know what your “2008” was on your timeline. Maybe it was losing a child. Maybe a spouse.  Perhaps it was a dreaded diagnosis for you or someone you love. Or a marriage ending.  Maybe you haven’t had your “2008” yet. If you want to share how we can pray for you, please do so.  And please, pray for me.  Just because I have my hair done and my make-up on does not mean I am not often a mess on the inside. 🙂

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3 responses to “Weary

  1. Elena Myles says:

    2008… I turned a half century and my beloved Father died. Not a great year to remember for me either. There’s things that I still can’t bring myself to talk about with others concerning events surrounding my Dad’s death. A lot of hurt and tears though. I do have the comfort in knowing that my Dad’s last words to me were, “I love you too.” and I know he did. So no matter what other stuff was going on during that period of time, I am comforted in this knowledge. When I look at the past 25 years of my life, I realize that I have experienced a lot of heartache and joys during these years. My Mom died 25 years ago and I miss her everyday. It seemed like before her death, my life was smooth sailing, no troubles, no heartache, just happy times. I always think of the writings of the Apostle Paul when those sad times start to get me down. In Philippians 4:4-9, we read: 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

    8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
    These words always soothe my aching soul and give me comfort.

  2. Krista Michelle says:

    As I pray, when I have nothing left inside of me to pray or just don’t know how to pray, I thank God for allowing me to grow closer to Him during my trials. Thank you, friend.

  3. Lifting you up. I think we can all relate. Thanks for sharing.:-)

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